I seem to be spending a lot of time saying sorry lately.
Apologising for being me.
Saying sorry to people I love. People I care about.
Because I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I feel guilty and disgusted with myself for having a disorder that is beyond my control.
You wouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having cancer or breaking your leg so why is this different?
I guess, whilst unintentional, this condition hurts others. What ever I do I’m hurting someone else.
When I’m quiet, people are hurt because I shut them out.
When I’m crying people are hurt because I’m sad.
When I self harm people are hurt because they feel powerless.
I want to die but I know that will hurt people.
Nothing I do or say is right. Everything I feel, I think, I say, everything is wrong.
I wish I could explain what goes through my head so people could understand clearly why I feel or respond the way I do. But when I do try and explain I screw it all up, I get it wrong and once again I hurt someone.
Clearly I lied in a former post … Im not a good person. I do hurt people.
Sometimes I read something wrong or I hear a change in tone or something just doesnt feel right and I feel lost. Sometimes I feel hurt. Sometimes I get sad or frustrated. I get completely lost and I can’t figure out what is BPD and what is me. What is right and what is wrong!!
I can’t imagine what it must be like for people trying to be close to me. I can’t imagine how awful it must be for people trying to be my friend. I guess that’s why not many people bother. And those that do can only try for so long.
There are only a handful of people in my life. Handful of really good people that have stuck around. But I’m hurting them too.
The Borderline in me is desperate to push them away because I know I’m hurting them and I know it’s best for them
And then the selfish part of me is desperate not to let them go
… But what is right?
I get it now.
I get now, more than ever, how hard it is for people to be around me.
Its becoming painstakingly obvious to me why I am alone.
Why I deserve to be alone. And why the people around me are better off with me being alone.
It’s not easy walking away but sometimes it’s the only option to protect the people we care about.