Should I stay or should I go?!


Blogging has become a huge outlet for me. It’s a source of therapy and expression. 

I don’t really have people to talk to in the ‘real world’ so writing my blog has become an escape. A way to express how I feel without fear of hurting someone I care about or getting unwanted ‘attention’ etc.

I don’t like to talk to friends or family about how in feeling. I don’t like to burden them or be a nuisance. I prefer for them to see me as the girl with the smile. As fake as that smile may be. 

I started this blog in January following an admission to hospital when I thought taking uncountable amounts of pills would resolve my problems. 

I used to find writing quite difficult and now most days it just flows naturally. I used to write a lot as a kid; in my loft at home I have binders full out poems and journal entries I used to write. Iv always found expressing my feelings in writing a safe way to explore how I feel. 

I felt safe writing. I felt like (although it’s online) I could speak freely without reservations and judgements. But the more my life changes the more I find myself really holding back what I want to say. I’m back to not speaking freely because I’m worried about some of the people reading my blog and how they will feel/react.  

Iv wrote a lot recently and rather than publish the posts Iv just ‘saved them’ in the drafts section. I have built up around 50 posts just sitting there unread and unseen. 

Although this blog has become incredbily important to me in all honesty I am really considering deleting it. 

Iv wrote almost 250 posts since I started and directly spoken to hundreds of people but Somedays I worry that my blog is more triggering than helpful. 

Sometimes I feel like Iv fallen out of love with writing. The more I fall out of love with myself the harder I find it to write. 

The purpose of this blog was to show the world what BPD is and how it affects it’s sufferers, I really want to speak to people like me and help them realise they are not alone. But in the past 6 months Iv had so much shit thrown at me that I haven’t been able to positively and effectively highlight borderline personality disorder in the way that I had hoped. Iv attempted suicide more than once, Iv wrote about self harm, Iv opened up about abuse, Iv poured my heart out into this blog and most of the time I’ve wrote whilst crying but what I haven’t done is show the people kind enough to read and follow my blog the positives, the other side of the coin  because there is one. 

We do have good days it’s just that right now my life is far too chaotic and broken that good days don’t really stick around. 

Yes I have BPD but the stuff I’m dealing with would break anyone. The way I feel is perfectly normal with or without BPD.

I’m also worried that more people I know will come accords my blog. The things I write about none of my family/friends really know about and id like to keep it that way. Iv done my best to keep this blog as anonymous as possible but with some of the posts it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know it’s me. 

Honestly, I just wanted to help people whilst helping myself heal. I love talking to different people every day and receiving that one message that keeps you writing. The thank you. The recognition. The ‘like’. I love it. I would miss is but is it healthy to stick my head in the clouds of the online world when really I should be getting off my backside and pursuing professional help!? 

Am I doing more harm then good here!

Do I delete this blog and start fresh? 

So I forget about blogging altogether?

Honestly, I don’t know. 

9 thoughts on “Should I stay or should I go?!

  1. i asked myself the same question yesterday. just do whatever is right for you. walk away for a year, come back if you want. whatever helps you or makes you feel good about yourself.

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  2. I look forward to reading your blogs everyday, not because I enjoy hearing that you’re in pain but because there has been so many times you’ve hit the nail on the head – when you’ve expressed or explained something that I have never been able to express or understand for myself. You make me feel as though there are others out there who sometimes think or act the way I do. It makes me feel less crazy. That being said – it all comes down to what is best for you. You are what matters here. If you are no longer benefiting, then maybe stepping away is a good idea. Just remember that it’s about what is best for YOU.

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  3. I often feel the same. All I can say is I find comfort in reading your posts. You write so honestly and eloquently about things that a lot of us do understand. When I started my blog, the aim was to explain different aspects of BPD, and educate others about it, and the positive sides too… but unfortunately sometimes life happens, and we find ourselves in difficult places. I’m currently in that state too. I can’t write positive, assuring posts to help others, as I’m struggling myself at the moment. And I think that’s okay. Sometimes blogging about your own struggle is just as helpful as trying to help others – as it gives a true representation of what BPD is. I would miss your blog if you were to stop… but as others have said, you have to do what is right for you. I hope you won’t actually delete it, maybe just step away from it for a bit if that’s what you need, and come back later. But I would keep writing in private regardless, as it is a helpful tool if you have BPD. I’d say seek the help you need if it feels like the time to do it, but keep writing too as it’s a constructive coping mechanism. Whatever you do, take care of yourself x

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  4. I’m having the same thoughts! I’m very worried that someone I know in real life will discover my blog. As far as you continuing with the online community or pursuing professional help, I don’t think it has to be an either/or situation – you can do both. An online community can be incredibly supportive, as long as you have someone (professionally or personally) to be supportive in real life as well. I’ve also experienced the writing of many drafts, and being afraid of publishing my true feelings sometimes, but remember that just because you’re a wonderful blogger doesn’t mean you’ve made a commitment to your readers to share EVERYTHING you think and feel – some things can be kept private (or between you and a therapist) at your discretion and that’s 100% okay, it doesn’t mean you’re misrepresenting BPD. And if you need to step away, you can always come back! BPD is hard and I’ve been struggling too – not too easy to write positive posts when you feel awful. Hang in there, we are rooting for you!

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  5. don’t go! I would miss you so much. I love your blog. Its raw, real, and most importantly honest. PUblish those posts! Last night someone told me I was too open on my blog. I said, a big, fuck you! For too long I have hid everything, my abuse, my past, my did diagnosis, not any more! I told that person to mind their own business and that I would write how I wanted when I wanted and what I wanted. For the most part though I have received positive feedback and comments. XXX

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  6. I’ve only just read this now, but I’ll leave a regarding comment anyway.
    I think balace and following what you’re gut knows you need are keys to figuring out what to do next, whether that’s in the next second, minute, hour, day, week, etc.
    Maybe there can be a balance between professional help, sharing and blogging.
    Do what is best for your health at that time.
    Lots of love to you.

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