I don’t really have people to talk to in the ‘real world’ so writing my blog has become an escape. A way to express how I feel without fear of hurting someone I care about or getting unwanted ‘attention’ etc.
I don’t like to talk to friends or family about how in feeling. I don’t like to burden them or be a nuisance. I prefer for them to see me as the girl with the smile. As fake as that smile may be.
I started this blog in January following an admission to hospital when I thought taking uncountable amounts of pills would resolve my problems.
I used to find writing quite difficult and now most days it just flows naturally. I used to write a lot as a kid; in my loft at home I have binders full out poems and journal entries I used to write. Iv always found expressing my feelings in writing a safe way to explore how I feel.
I felt safe writing. I felt like (although it’s online) I could speak freely without reservations and judgements. But the more my life changes the more I find myself really holding back what I want to say. I’m back to not speaking freely because I’m worried about some of the people reading my blog and how they will feel/react.
Iv wrote a lot recently and rather than publish the posts Iv just ‘saved them’ in the drafts section. I have built up around 50 posts just sitting there unread and unseen.
Although this blog has become incredbily important to me in all honesty I am really considering deleting it.
Iv wrote almost 250 posts since I started and directly spoken to hundreds of people but Somedays I worry that my blog is more triggering than helpful.
Sometimes I feel like Iv fallen out of love with writing. The more I fall out of love with myself the harder I find it to write.
The purpose of this blog was to show the world what BPD is and how it affects it’s sufferers, I really want to speak to people like me and help them realise they are not alone. But in the past 6 months Iv had so much shit thrown at me that I haven’t been able to positively and effectively highlight borderline personality disorder in the way that I had hoped. Iv attempted suicide more than once, Iv wrote about self harm, Iv opened up about abuse, Iv poured my heart out into this blog and most of the time I’ve wrote whilst crying but what I haven’t done is show the people kind enough to read and follow my blog the positives, the other side of the coin because there is one.
We do have good days it’s just that right now my life is far too chaotic and broken that good days don’t really stick around.
Yes I have BPD but the stuff I’m dealing with would break anyone. The way I feel is perfectly normal with or without BPD.
I’m also worried that more people I know will come accords my blog. The things I write about none of my family/friends really know about and id like to keep it that way. Iv done my best to keep this blog as anonymous as possible but with some of the posts it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know it’s me.
Honestly, I just wanted to help people whilst helping myself heal. I love talking to different people every day and receiving that one message that keeps you writing. The thank you. The recognition. The ‘like’. I love it. I would miss is but is it healthy to stick my head in the clouds of the online world when really I should be getting off my backside and pursuing professional help!?
Am I doing more harm then good here!
Do I delete this blog and start fresh?
So I forget about blogging altogether?
Honestly, I don’t know.