I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be!

I’m sorry that I am a disappointment. I’m sorry that I am a nuisance. I am sorry that my Borderline effects you. Hurts you. Bothers you. 

I didn’t chose to be this way. 

I didn’t choose to feel emotions more strongly than most. I didn’t choose to fall in love so deep it hurt. I don’t choose to cry so hard over things that seem unimportant to you. 

I’m sorry I care so much that I come across as overbearing. 

I’m sorry that I value you and enjoy spending time with you so much that I want to see you and that annoys you. 

I’m sorry that I am reckless and that I never learnt to regulate my emotions so I self harm. I know that bothers you, please don’t get mad because that just makes me sad and I can’t deal with sadness and then I feel the urge to self harm again. 

I’m sorry that I experienced years of abuse and that effects you and how I respond to you. 

I’m sorry I am Impulsive. I’m sorry that I’m scared. I’m sorry that I am fragile. 

I’m sorry that me having BPD makes me being in your life hell. I am a nightmare. I am not worth your time, your effort. 

I’m sorry that I am so weak that I would rather die than continue to fight. I’m sorry. 

I’m really fucking sorry. 

I’m sorry that I annoy you with my constant self invalidation. 

I’m sorry that I am in your life and drag you down day in, day out. 

I’m sorry I am not perfect. I Sorry I’m never good enough for you. I’m sorry I disappoint you. 

I’m sorry that my sadness is annoying. I’m sorry that I bore you. 
I didn’t chose this condition. It chose me. I slithered it’s way into my brain like a dirty fucking parasite. 

I’m sorry that I was too weak to fight. 

I apologise for every single day that I am alive on this earth and causing chaos and misery to everyone around me. Even more so I’m sorry that I am that self centred to think you even care what I think, feel or do! 

I’m sorry that I am me and that is not who you want me to be. 

But I’m not sorry that my self hatred makes me appreciate beauty in everyone around me, in you. 

I’m not sorry that Despite suffering from clinical depression I would do anything for the people I care about and would do anything to see you smile, to hear you laugh. 

I’m not sorry that years of abuse and invalidation has made me an empathetic and caring person. 

I’m not sorry that my fear of conflict makes me forgive easily but I am sorry that it allows you to treat me like a fool. 

Despite the good qualities I have you should be sorry you can’t see passed my Borderline Personality and see my ‘me’personality. 

You chose to distance yourself from me and that’s fine I get that. I don’t want to be in my life either. 

But at least I stick around for the fight. 

5 thoughts on “I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be!

  1. I often write lists like these in my head. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me. I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. Sending hugs your way.

    Like

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