Mourning the loss of myself… May I rest in peace. πŸ™πŸ»

What does depression actually feel like?  What’s it like living with an anxiety disorder?

I have no doubt it’s different from one person to another but here is my description, my experience… My life. 

It’s like a big black vortex. Intrusive thoughts and emotions go round and round blinding you more each day. You have no idea when it’s going to stop spinning. 

Colours lose their brightness. Everything takes on a tinge of grey. You don’t want to eat, food looses its taste, its appeal. 

Hope does not exist. Instead it’s taken over by unwelcome anxiety and uninvited panic. 

Worry becomes your natural state. 

Crying or just staring into emptiness becomes more frequent and smiling and hearing the sound of your own laughter doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

The thought of being in a room with more than one other person becomes overwhelming. Sometimes being alone is the only refuge you can find and yet being alone feels like torture. 

You feel shut off from the rest of the world. It’s like you’re watching peoples lives play out from behind a sheet of thick, slightly opaque and heavy glass; you can see it all, hear it all but you can’t feel it. You can’t participate. 

Your vision is cloudy. Everything is cloudy even on the sunniest of days a thick grey cloud lingers. 

There is a heaviness in your heart. You feel weighed down like you’re carrying 10 times your body weight on your shoulders and every step is a torturous burden. 

Although it feels like an apocalypse is taking place within your head you appear normal on the outside. People may not necessarily notice the transformation within your heart and your soul but you feel it every single day. Tearing away at you. Twisting and pulling you in all directions. 

You live a daily paradox. You want your suffering to be acknowledged and supported by the people you feel safe to confide in but you also want to do your very best to deny the way you feel. You don’t want to admit that you’re not you right not. That you’re unwell. 

Depression destroys you; it makes you lose every desire to live. Instead you’re filled with a wish to end the suffering. The burden you bring to those around you. You want it all to end. 

You take a daily potion of pills; antidepressants, anxiety meds, anti psychotic, mood stabilisers but they barely take the edge off. 

Your chest feels tight all the time. You worry about yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week, next year. A comment you made,a joke you told, you read a text wrong, you pick up on the change in the tone of someone’s voice and you panic. You worry about everything. 

You’re in mourning. You’re grieving over the death of a loved one someone you were closed to. Someone that you once loved. Someone you knew well; you’re grieving over the loss of you!! 

Depression is the enemy that makes you feel like a failure and anxiety is the sidekick that makes you feel like you can’t cope. 

I know what it’s like to live with depression. Some days you don’t feel like you’re living. You’re just existing. Floating. Scraping by. 

But remember, in between the bad days there will always be the light of a good day. And when the good days come make the most of it. Do everything you can to ejouy it; even if that just means getting out of bed that day! take each accomplishment as they come. You’ve got this! 

Today has been a particularly bad day for me. But I hope and wish that tomorrow brings a bright and sunny day. 

Keep fighting. 

Love to you all πŸ’›

9 thoughts on “Mourning the loss of myself… May I rest in peace. πŸ™πŸ»

  1. ‘Sometimes being alone is the only refuge you can find and yet being alone feels like torture.’

    I know this feeling. It feels like you can’t win at times. You either face the daily panic that comes with dealing with other people or the lies that your mind feeds you when you’re alone – the tricky part is to remember that that is what they are – lies.

    ‘Depression is the enemy that makes you feel like a failure and anxiety is the sidekick that makes you feel like you can’t cope’

    Great use of personification here also – I’m probably showing my university studies a bit too much here! I think you write really well is what I’m trying to say! Also on a more biased level, this quote reminds me of my blog title!

    Do you find writing about it therapeutic or is it all about the productivity side of things? πŸ™‚

    Like

  2. Hi πŸ™‚ it definitely is difficult to recognise that what you hear inside your head are lies!
    It really is your blog title! Brilliant. Thank you I really appreciate your feedback.
    I find writing very therapeutic and it also keeps me busy – it’s a win win for me!

    Like

  3. Wow. I don’t think anyone can ever capture the trauma of depression like you can. And I actually thank you for that because I am going to save this post so I can re-read it when I feel like I can’t explain the feelings I am experiencing. It’s almost like you’re writing from my mind. Stuff I’d never be able to say. I really appreciate your posts. I get emails when you’ve posted and always read through them. Thank you.

    Like

  4. I completely understand this feeling. You do a great job of articulating it all (unfortunately, I wish you didn’t know these feelings so well). Thank you for being comfortable enough to share your thoughts and experiences and I hope for the best for you. ❀ I'll definitely be keeping up with your writing!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s