Life is a soup and I’m a fucking fork 💔

Today, I’m sad. I’m not the ‘every day’ sad but the type of sad that makes you feel sick. That makes your heart beat faster. And your body go cold.

I went out last night and had a fair Amount to drink. Too much probably … Definitely too much.

I am a very pained person at the moment. I feel fragile, vulnerable and lonely, so being drunk was not the best choice to have made.
I hate going out – I always feel insecure, unattractive and out of place. I hate it.

I’m always the fattest. The ugliest. I’m always the one looking like an idiot.

I hate that people always have their phones out ready to take a photo or record you. I hate the photos that appear on social media for days after. Photos of me that make me feel disgusting.

I didn’t have a good evening. I rarely ever do when I go out.

I upset someone who I love and that makes me feel awful. I’m not really sure where I stand with them and haven’t been for a while so falling out with them is the last thing I wanted.

I love them, of that much I am completely sure but sometimes love can really hurt.

Relationships change. Priorities change. People’s needs and wants of you change.

I guess when you’re drunk and you’re awake at the early hours of the morning you’re vulnerable to realisations that you may not have before.

At 05:00am my heart felt broken and my head felt a mess. I have no idea where I stand in this world. Where my place is. Where my home has gone.

She is strong, but not in the way most people think. She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. Yet she loves any way.

At 05:00am I realised that I am really not a good person. I hurt people and I do things I shouldn’t. I am selfish.

At 05:00am I realised why I am on my own. And why I will continue to be on my own.

At 05:00am I realised that I am still the same unloveable and unwanted person I have always been.

At 05:00am I realised I am a poison. I’m a disease. I’m a parasite.
At 05:00am I realised the my lighthouse is faulty. I’m not being guided or supported through a storm. I’m not tackling the waves. I’m drowning. I’m losing.

At 05:00am I realised that, although I’m lucky enough to own my own property, I don’t have a home. I don’t have a safe place.

I don’t fit anywhere.

I hate the vulnerability of being alone and awake in the early hours. When realisations hit but you have no one to talk to. No where to turn. Everyone and anyone you know is asleep peacefully in their beds whilst you’re fighting the demons in your head.

I don’t want to be in the position I am in. Feeling the pain that I feel.
I want a home. I want to belong somewhere. I want to be loved and wanted. I want to be cared for and respected.

One thought on “Life is a soup and I’m a fucking fork 💔

  1. You seem so sad here it breaks my heart, I want to tell you I respect you and you are valued but I know it wont make a difference we’ve never met but if anything happened to you you’d be missed! And I mean that! xoxo

    Like

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