It’s been so long since I wrote. I almost feel like I’ve forgotten how. I’ve had so much go on I just felt like avoiding everything and when I write, it kinda makes all these feelings that I compartmentalise come true. The things I block away I feel all that bit more when I am writing them down.
I’ve felt such immense pain and anxiety these last few months that I just didn’t know how to put into words the feelings I felt inside my chest. The stomach churning, gut wrenching pain and anxiety. The worry about they has been, what will be and what could be and on top of all of how I feel, there is a global pandemic.
Like most of the world right now, the UK is in lockdown. I’ve not seen my friends and family for about three months. I live alone so I can’t do much about that. But it sucks. We’ve recently been able to see one other person outside of our “household” which is great except most people I know come as a pair so for me, it’s had no real change or benefit. I still don’t see anyone. I go about each day on my own. I work at home, alone. I have my shopping delivered by a guy who literally lives it on the doorstep and I’m not allowed to open the door until he’s gone and I go for walks in places that are practically free of people. I go days without speaking to another person and so much longer without physically seeing another human being. To say I am lonely would be an understatement. I have never craved a hug so much in my entire life.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Scared for the state of my mental health. Scared because I feel like I’m losing a part of me. Scared because I’m losing the connection I share with other people. Scared because I really don’t feel like I can get through this any much longer. Scared because I can feel my heart breaking and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I haven’t seen the man I have loved for four years, for three months!! And I honestly don’t know that he gives a crap.
Three weeks or so ago the government said you can see one person at a time outside of your household. I was so excited thinking I would finally see them… and they chose not to. People have their own decisions to make and I respect that but, it hurt. It hurts because he doesn’t seem phased by not seeing me. Not being able to spend time with me. I haven’t heard his voice in months. He could have called me. So many times he could have called. He doesn’t. He didn’t. We barely talk even by text and it’s awful. I miss him. His voice has such a way of calming me down and I miss it.
As of tomorrow, the Government have said we can meet up to 6 people outside. He will see his family. He will no doubt see his friends. But, he still won’t be seeing me. A choice he’s made. Something he has the right to make. But my god does it hurt.
This is a relationship that causes me pain. Upset. So much that it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I cried so hard this evening so much that it hurt in my chest. I literally made those embarrassing noises that are just uncontrollably annoying!
I miss him. But honestly, I feel like this relationship is over and I don’t think we will be where we were before all of this started, when it ends. I honestly feel like Iv lost him. I feel like I deserve more than being someone’s second best. Someone’s after thought. Someone who doesn’t matter. I deserve more than that. I love this man with all of my heart but he can never give me more, he has always made that clear. I am the after thought. The maybe. The person you fit in if you can. I don’t matter. I’m not important. I’m not a priority. It is what it is. It’s been that way. Four years and it’s been this way but it just hurts so much more right now.
I miss him. More than I can put in to words. I love him. But honestly, I feel like I don’t matter. Like he’s not bothered by my presence, or lack of. I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for him. Waiting for us. And waiting for it to end.
Either way, I don’t want to cry any more.