Ever just find yourself sitting in a moment and then falling into a flashback. Something triggers a memory and you can’t escape the all encompassing fear. The memories that feels like reality.
Tonight, as I lay in bed desperate to fall asleep before midnight hits I’m consumed with the memories of that night in May 2017 where I was repeatedly assaulted and raped in the very bed I lay in.
I heard someone say earlier “I think he thought I liked it” … this was an innocent comment I overheard about a girl telling her friend about the jewellery her partner got her that she didn’t actually like. To me, it was a trigger. It was one of the first things I said to my sister when I told her what had happened to me the night before. “I think he thought I liked it, but I didn’t. He pinned me down as I struggled and I couldn’t get free.” Hearing those words put me straight back into that night and series of events that followed. The pain, shame , humiliation violation and embarrassment I felt.
It’s amazing what our brains remember and what it can link to certain things and recall and replay.
I’ve struggled to sleep ever since. I’m always scared to close my eyes as I see his face or I feel the weight of his body against me as I’m trying to drift off to sleep.
I don’t think I’ve managed more than a couple of hours sleep a night since then; I’m exhausted and forever in fight and survival mode.
I’ve tried so hard to free my self of this trauma and not repeatedly relive that night. I’ve even redecorated my home. But I’m scared to say I feel like I’m never going to get rid of that moment in my life that took everything from me and I’ll forever be fighting to get it back.
Is it too much to ask for some peace?