I’m about to start the journey of intense trauma therapy! It’s a strange feeling; I’m kinda excited to get on the “road to recovery” but terrified to start opening the filing system of traumas that if filed away in my brain for 31 years. I’v been exposed to multiple traumas. Multiple events that have scarred me, scared be but also shaped me to become who I am today. There’s many negatives in my experiences but some times I can reflect on the positives and the strength that has helped me survive.
I don’t talk to people about what I have been through. In the most part, I try and ignore it, push it to the back of my mind and try and forget it ever happened. But lately I’ve realised that’s not helping me. I’m not recovering. I’m simply ignoring. I found myself telling random people snippets of things Iv experiences and I think that was a sign I need to talk. I need to tell me story and get it off my chest.
I have dealt with some cases at work that have been really triggering for me; cases of current and historic sexual abuse and supporting extremely vulnerable victims. I have been able to support them but when I ‘clock off’ from work I find myself triggered and revisiting my past. I think being in “lockdown” and stuck at home alone has added to the difficulty as I have no other distractions; I can’t pop and see my friends or go out somewhere; it’s just me, at home, with my thoughts.
I have no idea what to expect in trauma therapy. I am lucky enough that I have worked with the therapist before and we have a great relationship so that eases my worries somewhat but I just don’t know how I am going to survive reliving and revisiting traumatic events that I have hid from the world and buried as deep in my brain as possible.
I need to properly address my experiences. Such as being brutally raped 3 years ago. An event that still terrifies me to this day and keeps me awake at night. Something I think about often and wonder what I did wrong. Why I couldn’t protect my self. What signs did I miss? Why I was treated so appallingly by the statutory bodies that are there to help people like me.
I also need to ‘heal’ from a traumatic and abusive childhood. Something that has affected every single relationship I have ever had. Affected my confidence. My self worth. My self respect and the way I view the world.
There is a lot to go through. A massive journey to travel. And a huge task to undergo. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified, because my goodness I am! I feel this is a last chance for me. If I can’t work through this now, will I ever be able to?
I have my first session tomorrow where hopefully I’ll learn a little more as to what to expect from my therapist and what is expected from me.
I really hope I am making the right decision and this isn’t going to end in tears!