Control Freak

Does any one else have the problem where they just can’t switch off? You find it really difficult to let go.

I work in law; dealing with anti social behaviour and criminal activity in communities. It’s a full time crazy job. It feels like there’s not a day goes by where I’m not preparing for a trial, obtaining an injunction or dealing with serious drug related issues. It’s never ending. There’s never a break. There is a high level of risk involved in the cases I deal with and it’s difficult to shut off sometimes.

I recently had to reduce my working hours and this has meant trying to cram my job into 50% hours and still keep on top of everything which was in itself impossible when working full time.

On the face of it, logging off for the day at 1pm sounds great but actually it’s not. I can’t stop thinking about work. Checking my emails. Looking at the phone. I just can’t switch off. I hate this part of me. Work had always been somewhat of a distraction from the crazy that’s going on inside my head. As hard and as busy as it is it gives me something else to focus on. Something where I can see results. Cross things off the to do list and feel a sense of accomplishment that I don’t get from my own life.

I am two different people you see. There is the high functioning me at work and the me at home that quite honestly would be happy hiding under a blanket and not interacting with the world ever again.

But where do I find the middle ground? The balance? My work and my health consume me. There is nothing else. There is no respite. I can’t get let go. I find it impossible to delegate. Or to ask for help.

Is the world going to end if I don’t reply to that email straight away or get the witness statement prepped or issue at court right that minute. Probably not but I cannot bear the thought of losing control at work when I’ve lost control every where else. So I hold on to it with every fibre of my being. I have done for years. For as long as I can possibly remember and I lost myself along the way. I’ve become a job role. Not a person.

I really don’t know what to do. How to cope. And how to become a me that I am happy with. That can be at work and home and feel a happy sense of balance. I don’t want to have to overwhelm my mind so I don’t have to deal with my own thoughts. My mind is a jumbled mess and it really needs a de-clutter.

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