I can’t take anymore.

Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I’m about to break…

Silence speaks louder than words.

Actions say what words can’t. 

I wish I had the strength to walk away… I quit. I give up. I resign. I’m done. I’m so over it. 

People keep telling me that things get easier. That it’ll get better. That these feelings will pass. 

All these words they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance. The less I hear the less you’ll say but you’ll find that out anyway. 

Everyone is busy saving themselves and I’m just silently dying in the corner. 

I feel like I’m being taken for a complete fool. Like I’m just a pawn. A toy. A game. 

This week has been a huge reminder of how insignificant I am in people’s lives. People who make out I mean something to them. Make out they care. That they are bothered about me. Only to not make any effort with me at all. 

I’m laying in bed this evening and I hear this voice in my head say over and over ‘walk away’ … And I wonder more and more if that isn’t Mabel talking but my Subconscious. I wonder if it’s the right thing to do. If I would be better off. 

To walk away. To quit. To leave. 

Surely there has got to be more to life than this. Than playing second best. To never being good enough. To love but not be loved. To be tied up in BPD. To be tortured by BDD.  Surely there is more? 

When I was a kid, aged 26 was going to be my year. I decided way back when that at 26 I would get married. I would have a child. I would be happy. 

Instead this year has been the year I fucked everything up.

Instead of living my life free to find happiness I am a prisoner of my own mind.