It’s not all bad…

Those of you who have stuck with me since I started this crazy blog will know 2016 was one hell of a bad year and 2017 was even worse.

Someone commented on Friday that they thought I carry a tinge of sadness and loneliness in my eyes and I’ve been reflecting on that since.

It hurt and surprised me.

I have come to far in the last few years. I have grown, I have used every single ounce of courage and strength to almost completely reinvent the person that I am. To find recovery and to move forward in my life.

I am not lonely. Sure, I feel lonely sometimes but I am no longer the isolated, abandoned mess of a person I was. Sure I feel sad sometimes, who doesn’t? But my first thought when I feel sadness is not that of self harm and suicide. I am in no way ‘cured’ but I sure as hell am kicking some mental health ass these days.

Since 2016 I have left an abusive relationship which made me deeply miserable, I sold a house a loved, lost my dog, I bought a new house on my own, lost my grandparents, survived a seriously terrifying rape, attended trauma therapy for survivors of sexual abuse, I have had 4 major surgeries, advocated for myself and challenge medical professionals who neglected me during surgical procedures which has left me permanently disabled, I have started a new job, I have been promoted twice, I have wrote a blog that has over 40 thousand views, I have been awarded four police commendations for my work, I have made and kept in my life amazing friends, I have done work that had seriously improved and in many cases saved the lives of the customers I work with. I am trying to overcome C-PTSD, I’m working to identity and work through my triggers, I have seriously reduced in self harming, I haven’t attempted suicide in over 2 years DESPITE a global pandemic where I was terrified and on my own not speaking or seeing a friend or family member for months on end…

I have and overcome so much over the last 5 years … I have kicked some serious mental health ass and it shocked and hurt me that those words … sad and lonely … are used to describe me!?

I am not simply sad and lonely by description… I am courageous, strong, determined and I am battling mental illness every day and doing the absolute best that I can do.